


spoiler season

by threefourthstime



Series: texts from last urn [1]
Category: Twitch Plays Pokemon (Let's Play)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Gen, pantheon drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21537118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threefourthstime/pseuds/threefourthstime
Summary: There are more gods than usual. The fossil pantheon is not excited about this.
Series: texts from last urn [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641211
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. legacy

**Author's Note:**

> warning for minor gen 8 spoilers  
> -  
> -  
> -  
>   
> credit for the discord skin goes [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12142470), with edits from [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20531333/chapters/48733844)!.  
> rated T for language, canon-typical mentions of offscreen violence, one instance of a cosmic horror sex joke*, and a blingee  
> *(the correct answer to "what fancy concept do cosmic horrors have that in human terms translates most directly to a sex joke" is "idk it's not my business". if you also don't want to contemplate this it's toward the end of the chapter, after armor is VERY QUIET)  
> anyway enjoy this fanfiction about gods from a meme au of the pokemon franchise shitposting. i write good things thanks

  
# general  
  


JAW!!!  
HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!!!!!  


* * *

B)  
chill buddy  


* * *

JAW!!!  
NEW SIBLINGS!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!! ISNT IT GREAT!!!  


* * *

sail  
\ :O /  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Yes thank you sailjaw  
I was hoping to break the news a little more gently but this is great  


* * *

twitch global emote  
pog  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Oh, fuck no.  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Ok i know i am categorically not supposed to take sides between the two of you but what do you expect me to do here

* * *

Plume  
Okay I know I have only been around for one new dyad.  
But this is way too fast isn't it.  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Yes and i realize jawsail are outliers but i am supposed to have millions of years to prep  
Not FUCKING FIVE  


* * *

twitch global emote  
ok and  
why are you freaking out about this  
i have everybody's baby pictures saved in the fabric of the universe whats two more this is great  


* * *

Lord Amber  
There are four of them and we dont know which ones they are  


* * *

twitch global emote  
what  
how  


* * *

B)  
very  


* * *

/  
skull stop timelocking our chatlogs challenge  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Don't.  


* * *

/  
nvm dome hates it go for it  


* * *

twitch global emote  
why do you hate fun  


* * *

LORD DOME  
I don’t “hate fun”, I’m keeping your incomprehensible Voices memes out of the fucking serious topic.  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Thank you dome but i dont recall making you moderator  


* * *

LORD DOME  
..........  


* * *

twitch global emote  
  


* * *

Plume  
Not to interrupt you three restarting the war or anything but maybe they're just two sets and one overslept?  


* * *

/  
wish that was me tbh  


* * *

Plume  
At least I hope...?  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Thats the fucking thing isnt it  
I thought maybe we fucked up another dyad with hibernating but theyre cross fucking pollinating like there's only one|two of them

* * *

sail  
:/ ?  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Not as an insult im just remarking on how badly the chronology went all to hell on that  
You might have been done with mitosis by now if we didnt fuck shit  
Ok im just digging myself a hole here arent i  


* * *

/  
>we  


* * *

sail  
:/ ...  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Root  


* * *

/  
lel  
im not the one who set off a mass extinction bud  


* * *

Lord Cover!! ^_^  
Hey be nice!! The little guys are great!!!!  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Thats not the fucking point right now and you know it  
The fucking point is that these new ones are a nightmare  
There shouldnt be four of them  
They shouldnt be able to do whatever theyre doing  
Frankly they shouldnt be here at all but what do i know im just the one who inherited all the predecessors instructions and knows how things are supposed to work but what does that matter right Why does this keep happening  


* * *

LORD DOME  
I feel like I should point out that the last time you talked like this, you subsequently tried to blow up all of Unova. 

* * *

twitch global emote  
yeah chill going on a weird control power trip is dome's thing  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Helix.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
ur mom lol  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Ok i think we all get the picture by now  
Haha fossil leader bad funny joke  
Im not sure whats giving you all so much trouble with this  
What are they even gods of  
If i could blame that scientist i would but shes human she wouldnt have power to do this  
But it has to be someones fault  


* * *

Claw  
Have you looked into the Plasma scenario yet  


* * *

Lord Amber  
The only one trying to take credit is that fused crystal glitch jackass and he obviously didnt do it either Ok see i would look into that  
Except drive never answers my fucking messages  


* * *

/  
dw im on it  
@Lord Drive

* * *

Claw  
Root no  


* * *

/  
@Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive

* * *

twitch global emote  
holy shit  


* * *

/  
@Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive @Lord Drive

* * *

Lord Drive  
Yes, hello, Root.  


* * *

/  
@Lord Drive @Lord Drive k youre welcome  


* * *

Lord Drive  
Apologies for my inactivity; I’ve been listening in on other things to determine whether I need to run damage control. 

* * *

twitch global emote  
"""other things"""""  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Ah i hadnt even considered that particular brand of absolute bullshit  
Just what i need right now let me know if i need to start emergency protocols or what the hell

* * *

Lord Drive  
Understood.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
hey dude uhhhhhhh by the way  
don't you have a phone built into your you or something  


* * *

Lord Drive  
Yes? I fail to see how this is relevant.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
here's a thought  
you can  
check your notifs  
while doing shit  


* * *

Plume  
To be fair sometimes I'd like to turn off my connections so I could focus.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
would have come in handy  
couple times  
lots of times  


* * *

Lord Drive  
Thank you, Plume. I would prefer to dedicate the whole of my attention to important matters, rather than waste valuable energy on contraptions like these.

* * *

twitch global emote  
dude we're literally present across all of spacetime all the time  
it can't be that hard  


* * *

/  
u forgot how to double up accounts again didnt u  


* * *

Lord Drive  
...

* * *

/  
lol  


* * *

Lord Drive  
In fairness, these devices are remarkably counterintuitive.  
You possess the advantage of your domain, but beings such as I hold no such alignment.

* * *

twitch global emote  
lolololololololol  


* * *

Lord Drive  
This is a challenge for none of you?  


* * *

/  
nah i log into claws acct all the time  


* * *

Claw  
Oh  


* * *

Lord Cover!! ^_^  
Uh not really but it's ok!!!! You can figure it out!!  


* * *

Claw  
Oh fuck  


* * *

Lord Drive  
I...see.  
I could make a topical joke about this subject, but I rather suspect it would not "lighten the mood".

* * *

twitch global emote  
yeah point  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Amazing. Do you really think so?  


* * *

Lord Drive  
...Greetings to you as well, Dome.  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Yes, hello. Great to see you. Wonderful.  
I see that since our last meeting you've managed to limit the fuckawful olden jokes to one every ten seconds, rather than one every five. Congratulations. Maybe we can throw you a party.

* * *

Lord Drive  
Yes, well.  
If one must conceal the origins of one's very being for billions of years, flippant references may become quite appealing. Would you rather I return to abject secrecy? Is there any course of action that would satisfy you?  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Why did you """""need""""""""" to do that in the first place?  
Excellent question. I'd love it, actually, if you'd stop _meddling_.  


* * *

Lord Drive  
You can't expect me to relinquish all of my secrets at once, Dome.

* * *

LORD DOME  
At this point, I'd be fucking ecstatic if you'd at least stop surgically targeting everything that matters. But of course we can't have that, now, can we. Ah, yes, of course. Because historically all your secrets have been completely reasonable. Did I imagine the part about the end of the world?

* * *

Lord Amber  
Ok can we all get back on topic or is everyone just super looking forward to one hundred million years of babysitting because i can leave you all to it i swear to fuck 

* * *

twitch global emote  
you swear to who now  
  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Forgive me for having a few reservations, here.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
k i fucked up but who gives a shit  


* * *

LORD DOME  
I suppose the rest of you don't need to hear them, however.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
as long as they know how to use dms lol  


* * *

Lord Drive  
I believe I can manage that much, thank you.  
@Lord Amber My apologies.  
I’m afraid I won’t be of much help on that front, unfortunately. Not only did I not inhabit my mortal avatar prior to extinction, but the genetic modifications have eschewed any scientific idiocy in favor of what the children might call a “giant fucking gun”.  So long as the new dyad(s) don’t also possess giant fucking guns, it’s likely you’ll be fine.   


* * *

B)  
nah dw they don’t have guns  
i just gave em a knife

* * *

Lord Amber  
SKULL NO  
PUT THAT DOWN OR I WILLKJGLKJDFLGAKHFGPGOIFDS CK JGDKFJGDF GFSDLKHTGUYGAFIGFSJSHKGLJHKY;T 

* * *

Claw  
Should...we be helping?  


* * *

Lord Amber  
WSBGEDRFTGYHULI.K,DSZFDGH   


* * *

twitch global emote  
eh it's probably fine  


* * *

Lord Amber  
ITS FINBHJGCFXDSERDTYGUHIJOUYGTRDESW  
SWE4R5TYUIYTRRRRRRRGGGGGGSDRTFGHJGFD  
F  
DGYUFHLISFHGFIOJSGOFKLG;;;  


* * *

Claw  
Wait, what if this is a coded form of communication?  


* * *

/  
here im the expert i got this  


* * *

Lord Amber  
HGCHBJHV  


* * *

/  
p sure up there they said f  


* * *

twitch global emote  
how do i press un F  


* * *

JAW!!!  
Ⅎ  


* * *

AAAAARMOR  
WHAT!!!!! HOW!!!  


* * *

Lord Amber  
ITS FINe its fine  
Situation has been resolved  
Skull do you have anything to say for yourself  


* * *

B)  
uhh  
only give em the safety knives?

* * *

Lord Amber  
Sigh  


* * *

JAW!!!  
NOW THAT WERE NOT SMALLEST CAN WE HAVE THEM???  


* * *

AAAAARMOR  
SHH THEYRE HAVING A CONVERSATION  


* * *

Lord Amber  
I suppose that is progress  
Are there any other clusterfucks i need to attend to or can i perhaps get 5 milliseconds of sleep before the planet explodes or whatthefuckever Drive what about you  
How is that whole deal  


* * *

Lord Drive  
Surprisingly, it seems to be under control?  
It appears that Giratina is in the position to serve as a convenient distraction. 

* * *

twitch global emote  
>distraction  


* * *

Lord Drive  
Helix.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
>position  


* * *

LORD DOME  
Could you just leave.  


* * *

twitch global emote  
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  


* * *

B)  
no  


* * *

/  
several deities are typing  


* * *

Claw  
Why  


* * *

Lord Cover!! ^_^  
No  


* * *

Plume  
6/10 I guess  


* * *

AAAAARMOR  
AAAAAAAAAAAGH NOOOOOO  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Helix i do not generally approve of bribery but i will pay you to never make me dontemplate that ever the hell again

* * *

/  
dontemplate  


* * *

Claw  
Dontemplate?  


* * *

twitch global emote  
dontemplate  


* * *

B)  
dontemplate  


* * *

Lord Amber  
Ok you know what  


* * *

pantheonmegabot  
@twitch global emote has been removed from the server!  


* * *

/  
gg idiots  


* * *

pantheonmegabot  
@/ has been removed from the server!  
@B) has been removed from the server!  
@twitch global emote has been added to the server!  


* * *

Lord Cover!! ^_^  
Um..??  


* * *

pantheonmegabot  
@/ has been added to the server!  
@twitch global emote has been removed from the server!  
@/ has been removed from the server!  
@B) has been added to the server!  
@B) has been removed from the server!  
@/ has been added to the server!  
@/ has been removed from the server!  


* * *

Plume  
Erm.  


* * *

pantheonmegabot  
@B) has been added to the server!  
@/ has been added to the server!  
@PHANCERO has been removed from the server!  
@PHANCERO has been added to the server!  
@twitch global emote has been added to the server!  
@PHANCERO has been removed from the server!  
@PHANCERO has been added to the server!  
@PHANCERO has been removed from the server!  
@PHANCERO has been added to the server!  
@Lord Amber has been removed from the server!  


* * *

PHANCERO  
  


* * *

pantheonmegabot  
@PHANCERO has left the server!  


* * *

twitch global emote  
.......................  


* * *

twitch global emote  
k  
so  
who wants some popcorn  


* * *


	2. change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah. there's one fossil we still need to check in on

  
  
  


ＯＬＤＥＮ  
When I identify the party responsible for this abomination I will decompile and reformat the very particles of their being until not even a memory remains of the pathetic creature they once were. 

* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
I can see you typing. The answer is no.   


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
my guy  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
No. Do you not see the inherent travevsty in these absurd creations? Pitiful creatures whose only semblance of ‘meaning’ lies in their illustration of an irreparable reality. What purpose could they possibly serve? I am 「purity」, a function written into every universe: the destruction of malformations, the searing away of landscapes grown too proud. I am the symbol of perfection, and suggestions that these /creatures/ belong to the same class as I are profanity to the highest degree. What can serve as their domain, other than indignity? They are the loathsome surrender to a false equilibrium; they are the inevitable collapse or a paradigm without foundation. They are the utmost of heresies against the true nature of reality, and any world that harbors them will burn, the ashes reconstructed into what /should have been/ from the start. 

* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
my dude.  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
Would you like to make a fruitless attempt at importing some sort of ‘message’, or would you prefer to recite your outdated ‘memes’ until I regain absolute control over the universe?

* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
ur doing the thing again  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
The latter, then.  
I presume you would prefer to be left for last?  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
u know a leavannys got all my powers rn rite  
and im not destroying th worl or anythin  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
What?  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
hes great dude  
thought u were hiding a kid from me or sth  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
W  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
hes just like :))))))  
and then hes like  
T  
did u close the chat window dude  
hey u here  
bud  
man if ur actually off downing shots of universe juice or w/e its gonna piss every dick  
speakin from personal experience here  
uh dude hello  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
Flattering though your concern may be, your drivel has proven as inescapable as ever. I can hardly move without you activating that despicable pinging noise.

* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
sweet  
hey if u finally change ur avtr ill show u how to turn off sound for free  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
If I can refrain from criticizing your exaggerated travesty of a corporeal form, I expect that you can exercise restraint towards mine as well. I understand that I may have overestimated you, however.

* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
jesus fuck dude lmao  
also no comments on anything i just said huh. just gonna let all that walk right by  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
just nothin huh  
wall to wall jack  
wall to wall shit  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
alright changin the subject. u know what if ur gonna be like this  
how bout u just come over  
we can binchwatch smth + ill make popcorn  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
Your fascination with lesser beings has corrupted you.  
I cannot ‘come over’, given that I am an omnipresent being from beyond space and time.  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
man we can talk feelings n stuff  
i can talk abt how much me and eternatus are gonna █████████ ██████ ████████████████ and u can go off on an evil monologue or w/e 

* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
Genuinely, not a word of that sentence sounds palatable.  


* * *

x_goth_emobabe_666_x  
k  
hear me out  
u kno that duel card mobile game universe u got mad closed b4 u could get in  
i got dialga + palkia on it  
theyve got a whole different season of kitchen nightmares in there  


* * *

ＯＬＤＥＮ  
  
  
  
  
Deal.  


* * *


End file.
